Streams of Consciousness

brain.gifIt was a dark and stormy night. Phineas Lugnuts lay awake in bed, clutching his Hello Kitty cuddly toy tightly to his chest. It had been a very strange day indeed. Suddenly, and completely without warning, an evil robotic chipmunk called SAL9000 clawed its way up the bed, and up to Lugnut’s nose. Staring directly into his eyes he muttered “I dare you to say ‘Oh well, it was excitingly unpredictable while it lasted.’ Just wait and see what happens if you do.”

But pleasantly handsome Phineas was not known as ‘Swifty’ Lugnuts for nothing. Distracting SAL9000 with his cunning impression of Arthur C. Clarke, he swiftly grabbed the offending chipmunk by the scruff of the neck and spat in its imitation robotic chipmunk eye. Phineas knew what all Hello Kitty fans know, that the SAL9000 had a programming glitch which made it fly into a homicidal rage when faced with a pleasantly handsome face. By coating the robot’s optical censor with his own saliva, he had bought himself precious time to take himself off to the loo to have a quick wank, before ducking back in to continue his struggle with the fiendish diminutive cyborg. Alas, he got to the loo only to discover to his dismay that his precious Hello Kitty specials had been pinched. With a heavy heart and thwarted loins, he returned to the battleground that was his bedroom. The new plan was to grab some handcuffs and his bolt-cutters and settle SAL9000 in for a fun evening, for besides being pleasantly handsome, Phineas was also a sadist. But little did he know that SAL9000 was in actual fact his spiteful and surprisingly short ex-girlfriend Fiona Hellmover in a cunning disguise, whose notoriously sadistic ways would put satan to shame. As Phineas popped into the loo to have another go, Fiona hatched a new and unexpected scheme. Due to experience as a sideshow contortionist and her small stature, she was able to deftly slip out of the handcuffs, and hid behind the bathroom door with bolt-cutters and stun gun at the ready, until Phineas reappeared dressed as the Jolly Green Giant. What Fiona didn’t know was that Phineas had just been bitten by a zombie who had been hiding in the shower, camouflaged by the soap scum which bore an uncanny resemblance to its gangrenous flesh.

“Computer End Program.” Fat Commander Riker from Star Trek walked in, and said “Welcome to Star Fleet”.

Little did Riker know that he had less than ten seconds to live, for Troi had poisoned his lunch so she could hook up with Worf. But it turned out that the entire holodeck was just a holodeck within a holodeck, all controlled by the diabolic SAL9000 chipmunk, who was very real.

And Phineas woke up to the realization he had been dreaming “that” repetitive dream again that he was always having.

What did it mean? Surely it must be symbolic of SOMETHING.

“Up and at ’em, boy!” Commander Riker barked.

It was Phineas’ first day to serve on the Enterprise. He was both excited and terrified at the prospect.

***Tune in again for the continuing adventures of Phineas Lugnuts – Enterprise menial and serial wanker extraordinaire…

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